by jen on October 30, 2011
I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of going through prior notebooks and notes trying to figure out what went wrong. I just want to do this!! I’m so much more than my weight and I remember being younger and just completely enjoying everyday. What happened to that person? I can’t believe that growing up and maturing takes all the fun out of life. While I’ve never been a social butterfly, I do remember going to concerts, events and even the movies by myself. I wasn’t sitting in front of the TV wasting my life away. What am I sitting here waiting for?
I hate all these sugar laden foods that have caused me this heartache. All these fatty non-healthy foods that have created this insulated shell around who I really am. I do.
It’s the fault of these momentary pleasures that I have not made longterm memories because of the years I have wasted. I don’t even want to count the years I’ve wasted. Maybe I needed to.
I’m funny about food. Part of my addiction and binging issues include keeping a mental tab of what “no no” food I have in my house. Like I can tell you right now that I have 3 Sweet & Salty granola bars in the cupboard, an unopened 8 pack of Reese’s peanut butter cups and 1/2 quart of my favorite mint chocolate chip ice cream in the freezer. It’s like flashing neon post-it notes are everywhere reminding me that I ‘could’ totally sink my teeth into something so comforting RIGHT NOW! It’s there… just go for it.
And what’s even funnier is that I seem to have no issue letting salad mix, raw vegtables and fruit go bad… to the point where there is no option and I MUST throw them in the garbage… but with indulgence foods — I can’t just throw them out. Internally I struggle saying I’m wasting money if I do that. I have to eat it all. Can’t waste… EAT IT ALL JEN! So since we all know that twinkies and the such NEVER go bad.. I mean look at all the preservatives in that shit… it’s not like I’ll ever HAVE to throw it out. How do I get beyond this?
I know, don’t buy it… But it’s already past that. I already own it. It’s the moment I’m in right now, which is hardest because I’ve not binged at all the entire day… and since it’s 8:41 PM — I think I’m going to make it through today. First non-binge day in about 2weeks (since the Cheesecake Factory visit for K’s goodbye party) I can do this. Drink my water… and worry about all the junk food in my house tomorrow. Sad to say it’s actually comforting knowing that it’s there… like a best friend or something. Or you know, in case a natural disaster happens overnight and I need to break into it to keep from starving. @@ Nice.
The last seven days have really tested me. When I think about what all is not going well, the one thing that is… is my eating! That’s unusual. My sister lives on the East coast of Japan. Need I say more? I’ve not had a panic attack since I though my house was going blow up because I thought I hit a gasline planting geraniums. Funny story, I’ll have to share sometime. But the attacks are offically back.
Last Thursday night when Shelly called to ask if I knew about the earthquake, I couldn’t even keep my hands still enough to function the remote to change the channel — only getting the channel to CNN in time to see that they just ‘happened’ to capture live images of the tsunami hitting land, I don’t think I could have been much more stressed.
Skip to today. My mother went into the hospital yesterday because she couldn’t breathe. She’s had a bad case of the flu (even put on Tamiflu) and we all thought it was related to that. Wrong. Found out this morning my mom actually had a small heart attack. WTF?? Seriously? MY mom? That happens to other families… not mine. Sure she’s overweight… but not NEARLY as overweight as me. And being overweight does not neccessarily mean you WILL have a cardiac event. I think I’ve been betting against that… almost trying to prove that although I’m obese, I’m healthy. But… if that doesn’t wake you up to the mortal reality of your family, I don’t know what will.
I only hope I lose it in time to make a difference. And how can I be a support to my mom and to try to get her to be healthier when I’m literally playing craps with my health myself?
Geez… I’ve not made a post since November? Doesn’t seem like that’s right, but I guess so.
Well it’s been a bittersweet couple of months. Bitter because I’ve gained weight. I hate running down the stairs and feeling the extra weight jiggle. Yes, even at my weight, you can tell when you’re carrying more. Sweet because I’ve not had to keep myself accountable. It’s been an eating free-for-all. That’s always fun. I thoroughly enjoyed the holidays and made my routine promise to myself on Dec 31st that 2011 would be ‘the’ year…. sound familiar?
Ya, that lasted until about Jan 3rd.
That’s ok. I’m not a failure until I stop trying…. and with that, it’s time to get back with the program. I’m back on Nutrisystem and that feels good. The first few days are always the hardest, but I’m past that. Right now, I’m not craving anything sweet… I’m about a week into this attempt.
Last weekend, I spent some time with S and the gang. Had a great ‘adult’ lunch. I forget how much I miss that. Seems like all my friends have kids now and our lives don’t always match up. It’s just life. It’s friends with ‘add-ons’ LOL. No, I love kids… I do. It’s just hard when you can’t relate to having to get up at 2:00 AM for feedings… anyways, all that to say that eating was totally out of control. After our adult lunch, I ended up buying 2 boxes of Girl Scout cookies out front of a local grocery store. They were gone within the next 24 hours. Add that to the multiple grilled cheese sandwiches I ate the rest of the weekend — you get the idea.
So it’s good. It’s kinda good. Feeling in control and I like that. Even given the stress with the earthquake in Japan (my sister’s family lives on the coast there) on Thursday night… I didn’t cave.
by jen on November 14, 2010
Well I was actually up last week again… gulp… but out of town and didn’t get a chance to update. I’m back to 265.8 — which makes it look like I’m staying the same for the past number of weeks. UGH. It’s better than gaining though. I have a new food shipment coming this week, so hopefully this will renew my dedication to getting this journey going. Halloween aftermath was challenging. Very happy to say there is no junk food in my house…
by jen on November 1, 2010
Not happy to report a 2 lb gain for 265.8. What can I say? I really struggled this week. Hoping to turn it around and stop playing this bouncy bouncy with the scale.
