In all my years of binging, I’ve realized that I need definite boundaries. I envy those that can naturally stop eating when full. Unfortunately, I’m not one of them. At least not today. Yes, I always am thinking about food. Yesterday was a great day food-wise. I wasn’t really hungry due to lingering sickness, so I think it was a little bit easier to asses where I am right now and what I can possibly try to get on track food wise. I’ve decided to give Weight Watchers another whirl. Why? Because I want to be realistic and do something I can stay with long term. While I was eating clean prior to meeting J, I was in complete control of what I ate and where I ate. Now that we share meals, I can’t be that prescriptive and without some sort of “ok” to eat things that might not be the healthiest, I think I’m doomed to fail by overeating… or giving into a binge free-for-all. What I like about the Points Plus plan is that I can “stay within my boundaries” and still eat real food… just less of it.
So I signed back up again. I’m all excited, but it looks like they are changing the entire program this Sunday and a little nervous that “free foods” like fruits and veggies are no more. Will wait and see. For now, I celebrate that I stayed within my points for yesterday. I actually feel good about what I ate yesterday, which included a few KitKat minis (stocking stuffers for J — but NOTHING is safe in a house of a binge-er. LOL). Onwards… and downwards..
I’ve been sick since Saturday. That’ll teach me to not partake in the Black Friday madness. I can pinpoint the exact person who got me sick — this woman at Wal-Mart. I was stuck in a shopping cart grid-lock and nowhere to go when she continually sneezed on me. I remember thinking…Ewww. Low and behold… Saturday afternoon I started to feel sneezy, but wrote it off. J came over and I was fine that night except for occasional sneezing. Sun Am… I knew something was up. So… 3 days and countless hours in bed later, I’m finally sort of alive again. My first day back at work.
As much as I hate being sick… there is one advantage. For me, being sick causes my appetite to be non-existent and I temporarily do not have the urges to binge. Since I’m REALLLLY trying to make a good go of this and dramatically decrease, if not end my binging cycles, I’m taking advantage of it and eating clean today. So far, so good. Of course, it’s only 12:51. LOL. Stay tuned…
If you’ve found my little corner of the internet, welcome. I’m moving in. Seems that my last hosting agreement went awry and I couldn’t post… so taking the opportunity to clean things out, move things around and get a responsive design in place to start actively journaling my personal adventure with binge eating disorder. Please be patient while things look weird and mismatched!
OMG. It’s November 2015. I’m not in much of a better place today than I was during my last post in October 2011 (binge free-wise). 49 months later. Wow. Ok, so I’ve been working with a lifestyle coach at work and this week she gave me links to this other blog (www.runsforcookies.com) with specific posts on how to stop binging. If only it were as easy as reading a blog post. BUT… there is a lot of truth to what she’s written. I’m not happen where I am weight-wise and I need to give this an honest try… (again).
So what the heck has happened over the past 49 months? Well, I moved from Napa, CA to Orange, CA for work. I actually moved down here mid-October 2011, so I’m scratching my head that I’ve actually made a post after a move trying to get on the straight path of eating. I do not remember that at all! In quick summery diet-wise, the 6 months that followed that move were the most stressful of my life – including a series of panic attacks – one in May 2012 which landed me a trip via ambulance to the local ER. My weight shot up to 316 at the highest. I’m happy to report it’s no longer there. I did a short stint on Weight Watchers, then acted as a pilot participant in a plant-strong diet through work. It’s during that time It’s not of being on the diet and not losing weight that it was determined I have PCOS and insulin resistance. I’m taking medication for both, which is helping.
So back to my story… During the on-going battle with weight the years following, I had accepted that my role in life was to be the fat, jolly aunt or “auntie” Honestly, I was ok with it. At least I didn’t need to feel like a failure or letting someone else down.
Then something weird happened. The summer of 2014 was spent with friends and their young families… and being a part of these families…. I started to realize I needed more. I can’t settle for being the ‘fat aunt’… I want and deserve so much more. So I started giving this weight thing a serious try. Experienced a little success and started branching out to view online dating profiles as continued motivation of the life I want.
Then I accidentally met him. Totally, completely way unprepared and not far enough in my weight-loss journey to meet someone. So filled with negative body image and thoughts, I ended up only talking to him the first 5 months of knowing him. During this time, my binging was instantly, miraculously in check and I tried to maximize my weight change so he wouldn’t be disappointed when we met. I ended up getting down to 265 before finally meeting him in person this past January.
I am totally in-love.
But now that brings a whole different set of complications. He accepts me as I am… which is more than I could ever ask for, but it also has made keeping binging in check much more difficult. I realize that finding love was an amazing thing, but what it wasn’t, was a solution to stop binging.
I’m a lifer (of binge eating). I’m here to fight this battle as best I can. Amour up!
I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of going through prior notebooks and notes trying to figure out what went wrong. I just want to do this!! I’m so much more than my weight and I remember being younger and just completely enjoying everyday. What happened to that person? I can’t believe that growing up and maturing takes all the fun out of life. While I’ve never been a social butterfly, I do remember going to concerts, events and even the movies by myself. I wasn’t sitting in front of the TV wasting my life away. What am I sitting here waiting for?
I hate all these sugar laden foods that have caused me this heartache. All these fatty non-healthy foods that have created this insulated shell around who I really am. I do.
It’s the fault of these momentary pleasures that I have not made longterm memories because of the years I have wasted. I don’t even want to count the years I’ve wasted. Maybe I needed to.
I’m funny about food. Part of my addiction and binging issues include keeping a mental tab of what “no no” food I have in my house. Like I can tell you right now that I have 3 Sweet & Salty granola bars in the cupboard, an unopened 8 pack of Reese’s peanut butter cups and 1/2 quart of my favorite mint chocolate chip ice cream in the freezer. It’s like flashing neon post-it notes are everywhere reminding me that I ‘could’ totally sink my teeth into something so comforting RIGHT NOW! It’s there… just go for it.
And what’s even funnier is that I seem to have no issue letting salad mix, raw vegtables and fruit go bad… to the point where there is no option and I MUST throw them in the garbage… but with indulgence foods — I can’t just throw them out. Internally I struggle saying I’m wasting money if I do that. I have to eat it all. Can’t waste… EAT IT ALL JEN! So since we all know that twinkies and the such NEVER go bad.. I mean look at all the preservatives in that shit… it’s not like I’ll ever HAVE to throw it out. How do I get beyond this?
I know, don’t buy it… But it’s already past that. I already own it. It’s the moment I’m in right now, which is hardest because I’ve not binged at all the entire day… and since it’s 8:41 PM — I think I’m going to make it through today. First non-binge day in about 2weeks (since the Cheesecake Factory visit for K’s goodbye party) I can do this. Drink my water… and worry about all the junk food in my house tomorrow. Sad to say it’s actually comforting knowing that it’s there… like a best friend or something. Or you know, in case a natural disaster happens overnight and I need to break into it to keep from starving. @@ Nice.
The last seven days have really tested me. When I think about what all is not going well, the one thing that is… is my eating! That’s unusual. My sister lives on the East coast of Japan. Need I say more? I’ve not had a panic attack since I though my house was going blow up because I thought I hit a gasline planting geraniums. Funny story, I’ll have to share sometime. But the attacks are offically back.
Last Thursday night when Shelly called to ask if I knew about the earthquake, I couldn’t even keep my hands still enough to function the remote to change the channel — only getting the channel to CNN in time to see that they just ‘happened’ to capture live images of the tsunami hitting land, I don’t think I could have been much more stressed.
Skip to today. My mother went into the hospital yesterday because she couldn’t breathe. She’s had a bad case of the flu (even put on Tamiflu) and we all thought it was related to that. Wrong. Found out this morning my mom actually had a small heart attack. WTF?? Seriously? MY mom? That happens to other families… not mine. Sure she’s overweight… but not NEARLY as overweight as me. And being overweight does not neccessarily mean you WILL have a cardiac event. I think I’ve been betting against that… almost trying to prove that although I’m obese, I’m healthy. But… if that doesn’t wake you up to the mortal reality of your family, I don’t know what will.
I only hope I lose it in time to make a difference. And how can I be a support to my mom and to try to get her to be healthier when I’m literally playing craps with my health myself?
Geez… I’ve not made a post since November? Doesn’t seem like that’s right, but I guess so.
Well it’s been a bittersweet couple of months. Bitter because I’ve gained weight. I hate running down the stairs and feeling the extra weight jiggle. Yes, even at my weight, you can tell when you’re carrying more. Sweet because I’ve not had to keep myself accountable. It’s been an eating free-for-all. That’s always fun. I thoroughly enjoyed the holidays and made my routine promise to myself on Dec 31st that 2011 would be ‘the’ year…. sound familiar?
Ya, that lasted until about Jan 3rd.
That’s ok. I’m not a failure until I stop trying…. and with that, it’s time to get back with the program. I’m back on Nutrisystem and that feels good. The first few days are always the hardest, but I’m past that. Right now, I’m not craving anything sweet… I’m about a week into this attempt.
Last weekend, I spent some time with S and the gang. Had a great ‘adult’ lunch. I forget how much I miss that. Seems like all my friends have kids now and our lives don’t always match up. It’s just life. It’s friends with ‘add-ons’ LOL. No, I love kids… I do. It’s just hard when you can’t relate to having to get up at 2:00 AM for feedings… anyways, all that to say that eating was totally out of control. After our adult lunch, I ended up buying 2 boxes of Girl Scout cookies out front of a local grocery store. They were gone within the next 24 hours. Add that to the multiple grilled cheese sandwiches I ate the rest of the weekend — you get the idea.
So it’s good. It’s kinda good. Feeling in control and I like that. Even given the stress with the earthquake in Japan (my sister’s family lives on the coast there) on Thursday night… I didn’t cave.